Category Archives: Prose

Torn Threads

– Thoughtful Thestral

“There seems to be some issue of memory management. Aryan, please fix it.”

This not-so-helpful debugging message popped up on Aryan’s laptop screen, and he set out to fix the bug, taking a final gulp from his glass of ice tea. As he put the glass down beside his laptop, his fingers started dancing on the black keys of his device’s keyboard, producing the most wonderful sound that beings living in that lab, or for that matter, any lab in the world with computers, generally want to hear. It had all the elements of grace and appeal – the continuity in the discrete taps, the realization of the power of muscle memory and the occasional sweet sound that hitting the spacebar produced. But the most beautiful part was when multiple composers typed together, pressing the keys in a manner that created some wonderful music, along with stitching together modules, fixing bugs and sending messages.

There were two more people in the lab, and were both intent upon their work. The sound produced by their fingers and the keys set in motion a series of emotions in Aryan, each more intense than the previous one, that culminated in a feeling of ecstasy as the taps reached a resonance. The spike went too high for him to resist a smile.

Aryan was done with the issue, after searching for the source of the bug like a hungry dog, in about a quarter of an hour. He packed his belongings, slung his bag over his shoulder, and proceeded to leave. He’d had a productive day.  

A stream of passengers made their way out as the metro halted. They were few in number, as the hour was late and the day didn’t mark an end to the week. Most of them were returning from a rather exceptionally long day at work, but my case was different. I had been out strolling aimlessly, absorbed in thought, unobservant of my surroundings, after a boring day at college.

I made my way out of the metro station, just catching a glimpse of the signboard at the exit.

Rajiv Chowk

A sigh escaped my lips as my mind sought to entertain me by playing a slideshow of my numerous memories at this place with him. Yes, our time together had been glorious. Maybe too glorious for me to relinquish it so easily.

I remembered this particular night in winter when the two of us had been returning from a relatively lavish dinner in Hauz Khas, absorbed in conversation as we walked across the station, arm in arm. I was wearing his favorite overcoat then, and he adorned a jacket of my choice. His occasional geeky jokes were the spice of our conversation, my gossip was the crux. Yes, I had my own doubts about the longevity of our relationship, but never had I imagined how it would feel when it would finally end. That was one thought that I had consciously sought to neglect: I didn’t want to ruin the ideal notion of everlasting love in my head.

I reached home after a ten minute walk. I climbed right up to my room, changed and looked straight across at my reflection in the mirror. It had my name written on  top, “Shireen”. Adjacent to it were marks of fingernails that had scratched at the surface a month ago to erase his name. I don’t know if it would have been worse had that name remained there.

The person looking back from the mirror was a distressed girl of twenty, tall but lean. Someone who used to be agile, fascinated by automobiles, physics and philosophy, but had lately resorted to drinking, insomnia and an endless loop of toxic thoughts. Two weeks back, I had promised myself that I would get out of this emotionally turbulent zone by the next fortnight. I hadn’t made much progress.

I tried, once again in vain, to sleep. I guess tossing and turning in bed isn’t such a taxing exercise after all.

*

Three hours later, Shireen’s room’s window slid open and an intruder made his way in. An hour after that, she was nowhere to be found in her house.

Aryan parked his bicycle outside the campus cafe and ordered a cappuccino. As he set down the table number card, Ahalya, one of his friends, walked up to him and sat on the chair opposite his.

Her dressing sense was immaculate, and Aryan could hardly ever avoid feeling a sense of awe at her attention to detail, be it her clothing or her homework assignments.

She asked promptly, “Are you fine now?”

Aryan chuckled as he replied, “Yeah. Had a memory management issue in the project, but now it is fine.”

Without blinking an eye, Ahalya exclaimed, “Oh, really? How did you solve it?”

“I just swapped out one memory intensive process from the main memory of the simulator using a process scheduler with a slightly lower threshold for memory utilisation. Anyway, I think that’s not what you had in mind.”

Her lips curved from the right side, pupils slightly constricted, before she spoke, “I am glad you realised that. So, are you over her?”

Aryan looked down as he collected his thoughts. Thankfully for him, his coffee arrived, and he had a few more moments to think before he answered her. The first sip from the cup wet his lips and invoked a sense of freshness as the hot liquid made its way down his throat, waking up his cells that had gone for hibernation for the past few hours. “Give a drowsy programmer a cup of coffee in the winters, and see what he can do after that,” he let out a sheepish grin as this thought skidded by the conundrums that his mind was dealing with.

He set the cup down, and prepared to face Ahalya. “Yes, you could say so.”

Aryan wasn’t an ardent believer of being truthful, and this admission was no different. He had known Shireen for too long and their relationship had been too “pure” in his head to just move on. A bug in the code for a project that he was working on was definitely not enough for him to let go of her thoughts.

“By the way, I have a project presentation tomorrow. I guess it would be better if I spent some time working on it.” Ahalya bit her lip and followed that up with a generous smile. She got up to leave, and he waved his hand, before taking another sip from his cup.

He logged into his laptop, and stared briefly at the folder titled, “shireen” on his home directory, before moving on to his presentation slides.

About 10 am the next day.

The house had been turned upside down in search of Shireen. Her mother had inquired in the neighbourhood, her father had brought the police up to speed. There were no signs of any struggle in her room. One of the residents of the street reported hearing soft movements outside her house, but she couldn’t be sure, as she had been half asleep.

The policemen began a thorough investigation, raising questions about the lost girl’s history, her lifestyle, her friends and her problems. A formal interrogation of the immediate neighbours was scheduled. Her photograph made its way to all the places in the city where it should have, and the news of her absence was circulated promptly on the radio.

Her friends had called at her home, but couldn’t furnish much that the cops already didn’t know through her parents. She had been open about her problems and desires. She couldn’t have just disappeared in thin air, they reasoned.

It was an unusually hot day. It was turning into an unusually uncertain day for Shireen’s family.

Aryan’s attempts to reduce the system usage of his running code were going in vain. He realized that If he failed to address the problem, his laptop would get overheated and shut down.

So he manually overrode his laptop’s fan settings and set it to run at maximum speed. “This should give me a window of time to think of a work around,” he mumbled as he began to try and close down any hidden application that might be running.

(Shireen)

Had my eyesight deserted me for life? I ran my right hand over my eyes but couldn’t feel any bruises sitting there. So maybe this place was actually devoid of light and the darkness didn’t stem from the inside.

I felt a little dizzy. I had clearly been sedated for a long while, I suppose. I let my hands loose, trying to find something to grope while my eyes got accustomed to the darkness.

I touched surfaces, ran my hand over objects to guide my way, and used some input from the odour as well. I couldn’t hear a thing, apart from the amplified sound of my own breathing and movement. It took a while, but my head stopped spinning.

After a couple of minutes of groping and stumbling, I came upon a turn which led to a slightly illuminated pathway. Following a fresh scent, I pursued the source of light in hope of information – my craving for information compared positively to my fear of the unknown.  

It hardly took a minute for me to reach the source, or rather the mediator, of the illumination. It was a window, shut from the outside, giving an ample view of the late afternoon sprouting in the city. I could also sense a strong wind blowing, judging by the clearly visible flying particles of dust spinning off in an orderly fashion towards my right, ready to contribute to the ordeals of the home makers and the shopkeepers. The innocent pedestrians were walking leisurely and the men and women of hurry were moving briskly, a hundred things running in their heads.

I was curious about my captor, but the window had opened the gates to my sense of security, and my curiosity gave way to the dormant thoughts of returning home. There still existed a countable number of people who cared about me, and keeping them waiting anxiously was not a part of my plans.

My visibility was limited, so I coupled my sense of touch with my sight to try and find anything strong enough to break the window shutter. As it turned out, my abductor had not let such an object lying around in the loose, at least not close to the window. Wait, did I really expect to find something like that?

Aryan went to bed with a triumphant grin decorating his face. After clamping down on an unnecessarily compute intensive background process, the code for his project was running smoothly. His roommate, Saket, played a beautiful tune on his keyboard, his fingers dancing on the short black keys and the long white ones, as Aryan drifted into dreams of sitting in front of a keyboard himself, albeit of a different nature.

“So where does this guy live, who you claim was the reason behind Shireen’s unhappiness and uncharacteristically quiet demeanour over the recent past?” a police officer was formally interrogating Shireen’s father.

Her father was quite unnerved by the absence of his only child, even though it had just been slightly longer than half a day. He replied in the most stable voice he could muster, “I have told you before. He is a Delhi boy only. He studies in Kanpur, if I am not mistaken.” The questions went on for another half an hour, as all the relevant, and mostly irrelevant (at least according to Shireen’s father, who was getting more irritated by the minute) details were sucked out of the old man.

The series of interrogations continued with family members, relatives and friends. And neighbors. Basically with everyone who had nothing to do with the actual crime.

Aryan readied himself for the presentation. He had had a breakfast after a fortnight, and had bathed after three days. He connected a comb to his hair, many strands  sticking to his head like those of a school kid. He didn’t know why he did that, except for the belief that special occasions demanded special measures, and that day definitely marked a special occasion.

He entered a ground floor room of the Computer Science department building, dropped his bag on a chair in the front row, and began setting up his laptop for the screen to be displayed on the projector. That was usually the tough part, but  since most of his friends in the department were bad at getting a computer screen to mirror on a projector, he didn’t mind that.

In about a quarter of an hour, his project supervisor, Prof Gupta, arrived, along with a few other faculty members from the department working in the area of computational modelling of real world systems. They took their seats, and so did a couple of other students working on their theses in related areas, and Aryan began the show, sliding the projector screen down.

(Shireen)

I was quite close to my home, sprinting in excitement. How did I manage to get out? I broke the window with a doorknob, that I had wrestled out with some force.

Wait, let that sink in. Yeah, the window wasn’t as strong as I had imagined.

The ground shook, and I trembled. The tremors lasted for about ten seconds, and I thankfully wasn’t hurt. The earth most certainly was.

Aryan cleared his throat and began,

“Good evening everyone. I am here to present before you a model of a world inhabited by a species much like our own, but with some salient differences. I have developed it over the course of this semester. I hope that this turns out to be useful in realising how capable we are of damaging the world we live in, and how such a terrible situation can be potentially avoided.”

His audience nodded, and he went on,

“This is a self contained program running on my machine, much like an operating system simulation. Each thread that runs on this simulation is one entity of the species that I am talking about. At any point of time, the simulated memory can accommodate only a certain number of threads, which is usually around half of them. The rest are swapped out and remain in a sleeping state.”

He switched to the next slide, “Each thread believes that it has a unique purpose to fulfill, but that’s not really the case. As I said, I just set up the system and let it evolve the way it wants to. Which brings me to a crucial point. How are new threads created?”

“Here is where you would notice a striking similarity with our species. The threads come in two variants, or genders. The difference is, unlike us, a new thread can be forked, or given birth to, only by a pair of threads with different genders. This makes for interesting observations, as population growth was a metric I was quite interested in analyzing over the course of time.”

“Are these entities intelligent in any way?” one of the PhD students interjected.

Aryan replied, “You could say so. I have been generous in writing code that exploits machine learning in many aspects of these entities’ existence. It has taken a few hundred generations of threads running on the system, and now they have matured enough to be called intelligent. But that could just be me overstating their capabilities.”

“An interesting dimension to this system is that the simulated world is affected by the external conditions of the machine that it is running on. So, my laptop’s environment plays a vital role in determining the weather conditions and natural phenomena occurring in the simulation. I can, for example, induce strong winds by turning on the fan of my machine.”

The last point was met with gentle applause. Aryan let out a chuckle escape his lips as he moved on.

“As for exiting, I ha programmed the initial set of entities to exit once their lifetime had exceeded a certain time span. Eventually, some of the threads learnt how to kill themselves and others by modifying their code segments to meet their needs. This looked peculiar to me, but it seems that this behavior is crucial to the system’s existence and flourishing. Some of the threads take on the role of master codes and start altering the code segments of others to achieve some goal that they have learnt to be of value for them through timely reinforcements generated internally by the state of the system. But as one would expect, multiple threads can come to this understanding, and that leads to conflicts and killings, or murders, if I may extend the usage of the term to this model.”

Aryan waited for what he had said to sink in. If the faces of the spectators were to be taken as evidence, he figured that he wasn’t doing too badly. He cleared his throat again, and went ahead,

“There are a couple of serious problems that I faced while trying to build the system, and to get it to a working state. Firstly, right in the initial stages, my computer was infected by a virus that liked to call itself Shireen for some reason. It was one hell of a stubborn piece of code. I spent an entire week trying to remove it and restore my system, but my eventual success emerged from one bright idea. I guess I am digressing too far, as this didn’t take birth from my model. Anyway, just in case any of you gets hit by this malicious wretch, look up my blog post on this issue. It turns out that I got pretty attached to this piece of malware, simply because of the challenges that it posed.”

(Shireen)

I was horrified when I reached home. People were vanishing into thin air without a warning. I watched the police, who were there to investigate my disappearance, disappear. Then my family members, one by one. Then my pet. I screamed, but to no avail. I tried to get hold of someone, anyone, but that didn’t stop them from going.

What was happe-

“As unlikely as it may seem, Shireen troubled me again yesterday. Not the same one, no. One of the running threads was consuming too much memory, blocking resources for other threads, and it was coincidentally named the same. I changed my process scheduler’s per process memory limits, which forced another process to swap out this heavy thread for a while.”

Switching to the next slide, Aryan continued with an air of finality, “There were other issues as well, but were easier to catch and debug. So coming back to the population thing, yes, the threads have grown in number exponentially, and that has led to an astronomically quick depletion of system resources. If this rate continues, my laptop would run out of them in a few days and the project would have to be terminated. Or else, the entities, or “humans”, as they call themselves, will find a way to destroy their own species before time runs out. The latter case would be heartbreaking, but interesting to witness nonetheless.”

He ended the slideshow. Prof. Gupta spoke up this time, “if we allow your model to be run on a more powerful machine in our lab, would you have to start it from scratch? And if so, how much do the initial conditions matter?”

Aryan didn’t try to hide his smile. This smelled of success. “Yes, I would have to start it from scratch on the new system, and that shouldn’t take a lot of time to set up. Since the initial conditions depend on a pseudo random process, they won’t be the same, and it would be interesting to see how that affects how the system develops.”

After a few more questions, the presentation ended and Aryan stopped the system. It was time to free his laptop’s resources and use the department lab computers for further observations. Humans would have to start all over again.

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Prose

Summer Sweat

– Warren Peace

It is a hot day and dry winds have discovered a small room and its dilapidating window.

I am resting on a mattress which has jute fibres protruding, erect to annihilate. I cannot tell if ants are devouring me or the mattress is revolting.

I see that all is fine. I am distracted, so bundles of time are missing. I cannot get this time back. I can call media warlords who sell my time to thrive but it would be futile. I am a victim but I am a perpetrator as well. And what is it, this time? There is a universal clock and another one which runs on my strong pulse. My time can be as I like but finite. My only purpose is to live without distractions. For how long, it is a matter of taste.

Right of the solitary window, I find myself sitting on a chair that wobbles and squeaks every time I shift my weight. The chair belongs to a table, which is perpetually burdened with rubbish.

We look at each other and the wind dies down. Our eyes glitter and we smile because we are in love. I sometimes doubt if she is real. She seems perfect but she looks just like me.

There are other rooms as well and maybe there are people living in them. But we are not sure. If they enter our room, they will see me, not her. But she is there, still sitting in that garrulous chair and oblivious of everyone but me. I will not move or answer. I have nothing to do with them and I’d like it to stay that way.  Everything, no matter how miserable, should remain as it is. There is no need to imitate.

I have decided not to get an old bedsheet to cover myself, from the drawer. I can ask her but she cannot hear me, cannot be persuaded. My menacing cadence is only for me to hear. Every inch of my skin is irritated but I am used to stifling afternoons.

She keeps her head down to let others of her reality know that she is preoccupied. She stays away from inappropriate men and women.

Like me, she doesn’t want to be guilty of anything. Incrimination is my fear of fears. I am understandably busy protecting myself. I see no possibilities other than avoiding every possibility.

I have infinite capacity for regret. She doesn’t anymore, her regrets never survive. Maybe I should be like her.

Every evening, she leaves the room to go for a walk and frowns at every crossroad and by-pass. Maybe that’s the only time she ever lets herself make mistakes.

We often go out for dinner and seemingly eat alone. The outside world tempts me to participate, I am also to contribute to it.

I also deplore inactivity and her viciousness. But she works so I don’t need to. There is another universe where I work hard and I am happy. Why repeat the same here?

I mostly leave early and let her find her way home. Even though she has lived here for many years, intermittently taking a compulsory holiday, she doesn’t know the roads well. She has no memory, no malicious desires except to do what will add to her harmony.

She wasn’t always like this. There was a time when she cried because of the promise of happiness. I can’t tell what has happened.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Creative Writing Competition, Prose

The Breeze

– Jyotsha Kumar

Laying on bed, trying to sleep when the night’s silence was broken by thunder followed by the pounding of rain. It was really loud. This was the first real change in weather in a long time. For almost a month all that I was experiencing was the dull winter. The sun always hidden behind the clouds, the clouds not visible through the fog in the first place. No change at all. Really boring to be honest. The torrential downpour not exactly pleasant was a welcome change.

Is this about desiring different things even if they are bad just to escape the ordinary uninspiring life?

I don’t like rain. I hate it. It makes everything wet and dirty. And that is exactly how it was the next day. Muddy puddles everywhere. The weather was still gloomy, clouds still jealously hiding the sun behind its veil. But as the hour hand reached 12, it was as though mother nature itself was revived. The clouds had finally let go. Rays of light were bouncing off everything and it looked beautiful! God finally discarded his anger for colors and saturation.

Is this about the metaphorical dawn that will always come after a night? About how bad things don’t last forever?

The amazing feeling of the sun blessing earth with its warmth was accentuated by the gentle breeze. The static dull scenery now was vibrant and expressive.

Is this about how we should take time to appreciate nature, the beauty in every small and big thing around us?

I went up to the roof. The wind was cool, the sun was warm. Perfectly pleasant. I even took a video of the trees dancing, the rustling of leaves rather calming. My mind was clearing. Emptiness was filling my mind. Few minutes later the regular thoughts, worries, doubt, concern, fear, comes trickling back one problem at a time.

Is this about how we can never truly escape the inevitability of life’s bothers?

It is about one and all of the above. The working of the mind being an unresolved mystery. The ability to change the very state of being by simply having a different perspective. The ability to find different meanings in even the smallest nuance. Most importantly the way it can exaggerate the simplest things for better or worse. If a simple breeze can be amplified as such then what it can do with sorrow, regret and anguish is truly frightening…

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Prose

Disappointment…

-Jyotsha Kumar

Such an amusing state of affairs. Failure yet no regret. Heading towards misery yet no fear. A stark sadness emanating from the very bottom of the heart yet no disappointment. Is this acceptance or admitting defeat? At a point in life where you I know I won’t be anything. I know I won’t be anything I wanted, anything that others expected, a total collapse. And amidst all these horrifying soul crushing emotions trying to break out, there is only one semblance of sanity. The only thing that stops me from truly falling apart. The only thing holding back the despair, the frustration, the rage, the anguish, is…

I see how things got here, and I understand it is all on me. I can blame the situations or the people around me but at the center of it all was me and always will be me. I will shoulder that burden. I won’t give excuses. Things were bad but now they are downright disgusting. The hole I have dug myself in is so deep that I don’t even see a ray of light peeping in. Obviously I should be scared. I should be broken. Or perhaps extremely motivated to get myself out of this impossible predicament. That is what a sane person would feel. Should feel. And yet I can’t feel anything. Nothing. The overthinking and wasteful pondering blended with my innate ability to make things harder for myself has exemplified every emotion to a degree where I can’t feel them. If they rush out I will lose my mind. And the thing keeping me sane is the lack of disappointment. So far I have fought off the feeling of disappointment. I know I am not a bad person. I know I am not a stupid one either. I have done no harm and instead have tried my best to help those around me. I have never been one to be baffled by logic. I know I am not dumb. And I just want to do something I love doing. I have made mistakes; things I wish I hadn’t done but I am not disappointed with who I am today. Even though where I am is a despair filled miasma, I am not crestfallen. Is this world this harsh? Is being happy and successful at the same time such an impossible dream? I refuse to believe that. As long as I don’t have regrets, I can’t lose. I won’t be beaten. And as long as I keep the disappointment at bay I will continue existing. I may not be rich. I may not be popular. I may not the best at anything. But I will be content. I will find a way. I will be happy.

This is my proclamation. This is my act of defiance. I refuse to believe that this world has no place for a simple person like myself. From the depths of failure and despair I will strive. I still don’t have anything to work towards. No decided occupation, no particular place or position I see myself in. So I will strive for the only thing I can; the only thing I know. I will strive to live.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prose

A Mid-College Crisis

-Jyotsha Kumar

You wake up. You brush your teeth. You wash your face and look at yourself in the mirror. You skip breakfast because you are late and rush to your first class. You struggle to stay in the class but fail miserably transcending to your own macrocosm where the only variables are the random powers and abilities that everyone has. Your class ends and you eat the unappealing mess food. You decide to take a short nap but end up sleeping through the evening woken up only by the howls and laughter of your friends in the corridor right outside your room. You decide to sit and study, unsurprisingly enough you get up after a few hours, clicking the close button on your browser which innocently asks “Do you want to close all the tabs?”. You chuckle, closing the windows to your procrastination, reminded of the quiz you were supposed to study for. You spend some more time on random chit chat with your friends. You feel sleepy and finally go to bed. You are tired and fall asleep quickly.

You wake up, but today something is different.

You go to brush your teeth, but something is certainly amiss.

You wash your face and look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself. You see yourself like you have never before. You see yourself. And it hits you like a truck. You realise you have been sailing in life. You did naught but paddle a few times in this journey, your journey, taken by the winds and waves. You realise the only decisions you really took were ones like “Should I drink Coke or Pepsi?”. You realise most choices you thought were your own were actually those in which you were choosing between the lesser evil or simply the lack of actual choices.

You realise all this will change once you are out of here.

This is the last safe haven. After this you will be on your own.

Isn’t this what you always wanted? Freedom? Actually have the ability to choose for yourself? Surely you don’t want to live in someone else’s shadow your entire life. Then why are you petrified, frozen in front of the mirror.

You hear a guy from behind saying “Dude, what’s the holdup? There are other people that want to brush too.”

The rest of the day is a blur. You want to escape the question but at the same time you want to talk about it. With who though? It’s an intimate question. One that you can’t trust anyone else with. You wait for nightfall, to crash on your bed in the dark, to be with yourself, to talk about it. It doesn’t help and now you realise you can’t even fall asleep. You fly into your macrocosm to find some peace. You finally fall asleep.

What? You aren’t afraid of the question? You have everything figured out?

I most certainly am afraid and I don’t have everything figured out. Though I do envy your resolution… Or your ignorance.

 

1 Comment

Filed under Prose

Two Dimensional Musings

– Warren Peace

Time- 2:47 am.

State of mind- unnerved.

“I could start with a quote since we’re going to talk about meaning.”

I wouldn’t say no to some coffee if someone were to make it for me. While I do have a diversified palate and I can gulp down a coffee brewed in sewage without regurgitating my guts out, I wouldn’t mind a decent espresso in a sanitized cup.

There is a desultory door formidably closed in front of me. It has a mean doorknob.

I wouldn’t open it because I despise doorknobs anyway.

Beyond this door is catalogued garbage. A mortgaged dumpster.

Like any other dustbin, it houses objects that wouldn’t be able to make acquaintance if they were still functioning. Old cassettes that are so dead that they wouldn’t cough a song now, CDs that no longer reflect, newspapers dating back to 500 BC, issues of magazines which are now defunct, utensils, spoons that don’t look like spoons anymore et al have been stored in it. I don’t think it stinks but I never go in there without holding my breath even though I punctured a lung once doing the same.

Every time my parents come across a dying claustrophobic object, they look at it quizzically and quickly decide whether it deserves another chance. If it’s lucky, it is carelessly thrown out of the garbage collection window and it then falls six stories to meet its maker. Eventually. Otherwise the door is cast open and another object is deposited. Their lifetime starts tending towards positive infinity once the door is closed on them. One can never get out.

Why do they collect them? They never look at them again. (like me) (I hope I was not collected)

I understand the urge to preserve, to go back and drown in your past, to revaluate and assign significance to things that didn’t matter then, out of compassion maybe, or respect.

Meaning VS logic-

I am uncertain about the ‘VS’ I just typed and in hindsight I should not have plunged into this.

I must resist the urge to draw a line here and start listing differences.

Here we go. Let us dedicate two consecutive sentences to how I’m praying right now this doesn’t turn into a clusterfuck. Amen.

If I were a devout logician, I wouldn’t have fiddled with my sleeping pattern. My grandmother keeps poking me with ‘ sleeping during the day isn’t as relaxing as a proper night’s slumber’. But I am a dreamer. Ironically. I like to stay up late, eating out of the fridge and wondering if I should cook but as soon as the stove lights up, the flames threaten to envelop me so I drop the idea all together.

When I think about it, plastered idols with elephant faces do not go well with the rest of my furniture. But I gotta defend myself against valak. I have found the power of god in them.

All of that dump needs to be cleared away. But my parents occasionally like to brood over them.

Most of us fuss over meaning because there is no regulation, nothing to hold our imagination back. Unchartered waters that extend as far as we are willing to go. All the rocks and pebbles I’ve seen couldn’t inspire a cathedral in me. that’s because I’m not a Christian, we don’t have churches.

I often think of meaning as a menace, which is extravagant yet incoherent. Isn’t it counter- intuitive? Meaning is after all devoid of sense. Of course, that’s my version of it.

Logic is however stable, unquestionable and confident in itself. I want to defend its claim but what’s life without meaning? (tolerable, that’s what).

What if everything we do is meaningless? Let’s hope not. That sounds depressing.

What am I writing anyway? (a testament of my incompetence.)

What comes next? Preferably, sleep.

 

Time- 5:22 AM

State of mind- (no one cares)

 

…….” I wish I had a poem to end with but I don’t”.

Leave a comment

Filed under Creative Writing Topic, Prose

Born of Ennui

– Baleful Basilisk

Sometimes, I wonder at myself. Maybe this basilisk has remained inside the walls for too long. Daylight burns, and the nightlights merely cause hallucinations. Maybe it’s time I accept that the Sun wasn’t something made for creatures of the shade. And I am one. How can I forget the way my mind shades everything? It’s too vivid! Yet, they are all grey objects, mere pebbles. Not the beautiful, shiny sea rocks with colours and stripes and life living in them, but simple grey cementy pieces lying in the dust. The first sight is always true and clear, objective. And then, it’s never the same again.

It was one bright day when I was once again, trying to peek out of the den I live in. There was this object, you see, that had inflamed my curiosity. This, my sweet reader was a unique, I wouldn’t say rock, let’s just call it a ‘rockish’ formation.

I had not been interested in it at first. It had a smooth and polished exterior. Standing beside a lake, it often had an almost oily shine on one side, though the other completely mixed in with the mien of the soil. I had given it a passing glance, and while I felt nothing objectionable, neither was I induced to explore any further. It was just another one of those weighted rocks, which remain in one stance for eternity, and seem to assimilate and grow into perfection in that specific state. While their existence does have a purpose, it does not collide with that of ancient beings . They are repetitions, and when you have lived a million years in your mind, you will realise that no matter how perfect, a replica still lacks the charm of originality.

So, my gaze had moved on, exploring and learning where it could. And then suddenly near night-time when I was at the opening of a higher cavern behind the waterfall above the lake, I gasped in wonder as I chanced to see it again. What had looked so ordinary at first, suddenly held an element of interest. I saw a dark patch on top that seemed to spiral on top of the formation. It looked like a groove, and I realised that the stone which had seemed so run-off-the-mill at first, had an aspect I had not imagined it could have.

I spent that night wondering quietly as I went about my hunting duties. What life grew beneath those grooves? Were they full of green moss and ferns? How had the gashes formed? I dreamed of finding life and growth, a rich forest filling the cuts which must have once been an unwelcome injury. Or maybe, they were empty still, dry and dusty caverns waiting to be explored by some tiny creature. As of now hollow, but only needing a few seeping droplets and wind-scattered seeds to become one of the most beautiful wonders of existence.

These thoughts carried me through the night well. They made the moonshine a little brighter and the lacklustre hunting just a little less dreary. And I lulled myself into a sweet rest, for once not feeling dry despair at the dullness everything reduced to. I woke up in the mid-afternoon.

And suddenly, a hiss of scorn escaped my snout, not unmixed with a measure of exasperation. The ‘formation’ was just the ordinary stone i had thought it at first. And my dark patch? Why, a lazy old python lay slithered on top of it..with its body spiralled in a leisurely attitude!

Leave a comment

Filed under Prose