Category Archives: Humor

Half-chub poems

– Anonymous

Je te veux

(my times with)
you remind me
of listening to Satie
and watching the sun go down;
clear, alluring, expressive notes
separated by long, achingly ponderous lulls,
silhouetted against the dying of the heavens.
and, if you will permit me
the indelicacies of one
so boisterously drunk on you
and the violent, naive joy
in being serendipitously alive
that the notes will induce,
I will confess that
I, disliking vulgar crescendos
and bombastic codas,
sometimes wonder if you too will
slowly and gently fade away from my life;
one soft note shyly vanishing into
the deepening hues of the sky
before the next, softer note can take its place,
half-remembered, half-forgotten,
until the last note lingers on in the stillness that follows,
shimmering, translucent, ephemeral,
it arrives far too early and
leaves behind far too much yearning.
and yet, it does far more justice to you,
i should hope,
than these hollow adjectives
and unnecessary nouns of mine
ever can.

Harassment (this constitutes it)

I once met this girl
who smelled like stale cigarettes
and fresh coffee
and every third person in the bus
she had, no doubt, ridden that morning,
all rolled into one.
I was new to the city
and had gotten caught in the rains,
and stood before her in the
metro station,
melting into puddles,
and she asks me, in broken Bengali-Hindi,
(Bhindi if you will)
if it really was raining that hard outside,
adding a wink.
I, not understanding the
subtleties of that
cunning linguistic gesture,
said no, it really was,
which seemed to fuddle her somewhat,
but she soon began a merry, loitering chat,
the kind only total strangers seem to have,
about her college, and her guitar-playing on
lonely moonlit nights, and her shady side-business in
gold that kept her in alcohol through the year,
you know, saccharine slop like that, and
though I was listening,
half-listening,
a half-dozing bull in the shade of a hot summer’s day,
and my eyes wandered like the flies bothered by its tail;
flitting from
head to shoulders to
extra-thick slippers to
her jeans, and peeping out,
peeping, winking, giggling,
from under her jeans,
were panties pink.

Not a sleazy black or red;
not the lacy, light pink of air-headed Disney princesses;
not the flustered hot pink of an extended adolescence;
just cotton pink;
practical, pragmatic pink;
the pink of bougainvilleas, inexpensive and easy to maintain;
the pink of two girls in class, mutually uncomfortable in English;
the pink of blushing village brides, applied with unsure, loving deliberation;
the pink of a winter sunset on a crowded beach; sweaty, breathing pink;
the pink that seems to consume all of time, and all of my thoughts;
that sort of pink.
Fun yet reasonable; impishly rebellious; wistful, sighing pink.
And though I would like to say I kept my eyes
where they were supposed to be,
that would be a little unfair to the hoary, lecherous mongrel that
snarls and dreams as it frolics on its back in the grass of the mind, quivering in pleasure, and…
but you get that, right?
Of course you do.

So then I resume talking, dripping, slurring,
using the word ‘pink’ a little too often and emphatically,
when her train arrives and she asks me
if I was heading to the memorial,
and I realize
I’ve been waiting on the wrong side all this time,
quite to my surprise and dawning sorrow,
and must bid those panties,
those petulant, passionate, pink panties,
a tear-brimming farewell, and she doesn’t
notice or mind too much,
and we part-
familiar stranger and strange familiar.
Fare thee well, pink cottons,
may you flutter ever-free.

And everything nice

She told me
that it was absurd that
she lived in a world where
she could basically subsist on sugar,
and have just mango shakes and ice cream
for dinner,
lunch,
and whenever else she liked,
and thick, syrupy candy,
before and after every class,
and misri every night, at her desk where
she sat and tried not to get distracted too often,
and bitter, dark chocolate
on special (but not rare) occasions,
just sugar, thickening her blood
and turning her hair brown.
It was absurd, she said,
that all that sugar was
placed like that
in brightly lit fridges,
and marketed and packaged to
look so good in those brightly lit fridges,
if we weren’t supposed to have any of it.
It was absurd, she said,
to be expected to resist
the steady advance of sugar,
rising over the
centuries and
untrustworthy economies.
(“and pirates’ rum is made from the same stuff too! See?”)
It was absurd, she said,
to ever deny all that sugar
to a middle generation like us
stuck in meaningless jobs,
living enchained by our own wills;
just semi-solid sugary blobs
of squandered possibilities,
destined to have no impact
whatsoever.
And it was absurd, she said,
of me not to have assumed
she’d been doing so already,
in an exercise of free will,
and for a while now, too.
(“You said I was a sweet little girl, didn’t you?”)

That night,
I saw a painted dragonfly,
white and yellow,
being carried away by
crimson ants
in oozing chunks
on the stained bathroom tiles.
I stood, mind numbed,
(by the sugar?)
and watched them all through
their drawing and quartering,
until there was
nothing left
of the silver-winged albino
apex predator
but another suspicious dark
stain on the floor.

She had been
standing on the lawn
in front of my room
when it happened,
grinding her teeth
in silent, righteous fury
because I, quite obviously, hadn’t
been listening to her.
As she ground them and
debated kicking me in the toes,
they suddenly splintered
into paper-thin shards
of sugar,
white dust clogging
her throat,
and as I watched,
her lips and eyes and hair and legs and fingernails
crystallised into sandpapery-white
sugar, and the more delicate parts
crumbled like old glassware.
We smelled her,
all of us around,
and tasted her, when she came
apart; her face frozen in inward terror,
eyes bulging;
she cracked up the middle,
and collapsed into
windblown white piles of powder
and large, sticky, yellow-white lumps.

I haven’t been able to have
anything sweet ever since.
maybe it was the dragonfly,
maybe it was the way
the mess and canteen owners
exchanged meaningful glances
on seeing it happen,
(did you have it with your coffee this morning?)
but I just couldn’t stomach the
thought anymore,
and had to quit the stuff, cold turkey,
and that’s the most absurd thing of them all!

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Filed under Humor, Poetry

Atlas said, “meh” #7: Handsome Jack here!

-Pensive Piranha

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March 13, 2015 · 11:58 pm