Disappointment…

-Jyotsha Kumar

Such an amusing state of affairs. Failure yet no regret. Heading towards misery yet no fear. A stark sadness emanating from the very bottom of the heart yet no disappointment. Is this acceptance or admitting defeat? At a point in life where you I know I won’t be anything. I know I won’t be anything I wanted, anything that others expected, a total collapse. And amidst all these horrifying soul crushing emotions trying to break out, there is only one semblance of sanity. The only thing that stops me from truly falling apart. The only thing holding back the despair, the frustration, the rage, the anguish, is…

I see how things got here, and I understand it is all on me. I can blame the situations or the people around me but at the center of it all was me and always will be me. I will shoulder that burden. I won’t give excuses. Things were bad but now they are downright disgusting. The hole I have dug myself in is so deep that I don’t even see a ray of light peeping in. Obviously I should be scared. I should be broken. Or perhaps extremely motivated to get myself out of this impossible predicament. That is what a sane person would feel. Should feel. And yet I can’t feel anything. Nothing. The overthinking and wasteful pondering blended with my innate ability to make things harder for myself has exemplified every emotion to a degree where I can’t feel them. If they rush out I will lose my mind. And the thing keeping me sane is the lack of disappointment. So far I have fought off the feeling of disappointment. I know I am not a bad person. I know I am not a stupid one either. I have done no harm and instead have tried my best to help those around me. I have never been one to be baffled by logic. I know I am not dumb. And I just want to do something I love doing. I have made mistakes; things I wish I hadn’t done but I am not disappointed with who I am today. Even though where I am is a despair filled miasma, I am not crestfallen. Is this world this harsh? Is being happy and successful at the same time such an impossible dream? I refuse to believe that. As long as I don’t have regrets, I can’t lose. I won’t be beaten. And as long as I keep the disappointment at bay I will continue existing. I may not be rich. I may not be popular. I may not the best at anything. But I will be content. I will find a way. I will be happy.

This is my proclamation. This is my act of defiance. I refuse to believe that this world has no place for a simple person like myself. From the depths of failure and despair I will strive. I still don’t have anything to work towards. No decided occupation, no particular place or position I see myself in. So I will strive for the only thing I can; the only thing I know. I will strive to live.

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