Freshers Creative Writing Competition: Best entries #1

Topic: A company has recently started the business of canned breathable air. The company wants to increase the sales and has appointed you as Head of Marketing and Advertisements. However the CEO is not sure if you’re a capable employee. Write an elaborate write-up to your boss about your elaborate marketing strategy and the steps you will take to help the firm achieve great heights. Come up with the name of the company and the product. Focus more on your short term and long term goals.

-Vaidehi Menon

Hot Air Inc.

Because We Care about Air

The Head of Marketing and Advertisements
The Corner Office
5th Floor
Hot Air Inc. Towers

7th August, 2014

The CEO
The other Corner Office
5th Floor
Hot Air Inc. Towers

Dear Sir,

Subject: Unreasonable lack of faith on your part

It has recently come to my notice that you believe that AtCon, the new canned breathable air product manufactured by Hot Air Inc., Because We Care about Air, will not see the light of day under my supervision. I was considerably disturbed by this underestimation of my prowess. However, I soon realized that you suffer from this misconception because your office is upwind of mine. Had it been downwind of my 5th floor office, you would have known without doubt that I was born to sell AtCon; I will elaborate why.

I do not lie or exaggerate when I say that I can compel anyone in a 5 meter radius from me to buy AtCon; in confined spaces, this range increases by five times. If they don’t buy the product, I assure you that it will be the last thing they don’t do in their life. How do I do this, you ask? Ah well, now that is a top secret technique, called the Releaser Technique, patented, copyrighted and trademarked by me. However, since I am currently under your employ, I feel that I am obligated to reveal to you that it involves the ingestion of carefully calculated amounts of beans at extremely specific times of the day. Following such a rigorous time table will have the pores of the human body oozing flatulence at will. The air around the, let us say, Releaser, will comprise of exactly three parts hydrogen sulphide, three parts methyl mercaptan, two parts dimethyl sulphide and other mostly harmless stuff like methane, nitrogen and oxygen. This is guaranteed to make AtCon manna from heaven for the people around the Releaser.

Using this piece of amazing Intellectual Property, I intend to form a team which I have aptly named the Farternity (to promote brotherhood and encourage team work) to market and sell this product. The only prerequisite for entrance to The Farternity is a strong fondness for beans, a healthy appetite and a comfortably numb nose. The members will advertise and market the product door-to-door. The sales of AtCon are sure to skyrocket when innocent citizens find their tidy homes suddenly invaded by intolerable smells. This however, is only a short term goal. Eventually, with the help of my contacts, I plan to implant one of the best Releasers from the Farternity in the City Central Air-Conditioning Unit. You can only imagine what this will mean for AtCon, which is the only product of its kind at the moment. Hot Air Inc, Because We Care about Air, will also reach previously unattained heights.

Of course, I cannot claim all the glory for the aforementioned brilliance. The Releaser Technique originated in Room 510 of Boy’s Hostel No. 3 of the ABC Institute where I studied Atmospheric Engineering. My roommate and I had the superiorly disgusting mess food, which comprised mainly of beans and chickpeas for inspiration. In those days, the boys of my hostel could not tolerate being in a closed space with another person or their own self for more than ten minutes. Soon enough, it dawned on me and my roommate that the food was to blame and we started researching extensively, bringing down the stench tolerance time to less than 10 seconds. Unfortunately, my roommate’s nasal passage could not develop the highest level of immunity to smells, which caused him to drop out of the glorious project that the Releaser Technique is. I tried to convince him otherwise, but to no avail. Anyhow, I’ll definitely remember to thank him in my Nobel Prize acceptance speech.

I am sure I have suitably vanquished all your past and future doubts as to my suitability for the post of Head, Marketing and Advertisements of Hot Air Inc., Because We Care about Air. I understand that you are currently too awed and impressed by my unique genius, but I hope that won’t prevent you from replying speedily.

Yours Fartfully,
Eric Flatus
Head Marketing and Advertisements
Hot Air Inc.
Because We Care about Air

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